Because You're Alone
by CupcakesOnMyConverse
Summary: "You're good at the life you lead- you are completely self-reliant. You don't depend on anyone for anything. This is how you've gotten through almost everything in your life. Sometimes, though, you just wish you weren't so good at being alone."


You've never really been the definition of what society calls "normal". You are a boy who loves clothes, shopping, and fashion. You can identify different materials, designers and trends on sight alone. Your idols include Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Barbara Streissand, and Judy Garland. You love show-tunes and broadway musicals. You watch what foods enter your body and the implications they might have on your figure. You can't stand fast food, and would much rather eat a ceaser salad with low fat dressing than a Big Mac. You might say you are very in touch with your feminine side. But when it all comes down to it, only one characteristic means anything to these shallow high school students. You're gay.

You've always been this way. It didn't come to you one day in a huge epiphany, because it's just the way you are and the way you've always been. In elementary school, you were different. You liked dressing up Barbies with your friends that were all girls. Maybe it didn't matter then because there wasn't a word for it. You were just weird, and it elementary school it was almost okay. Nobody really cared. When your mommy passes away, you're more sad than you've ever been in your entire life. You are full of more grief than any fourth-grader should ever have to feel. It takes you a long time to recover from the shock. Your daddy had told you that she was sick, but to you that didn't mean much. To you, getting sick was having a runny nose, a sore throat, and maybe throwing up a few times. You didn't know that people could die from getting sick. You miss her. A lot. You miss her hugs, the scent of her perfume, and the way she makes the tears in your eyes go away. You seem to be crying every day, and though daddy comforts you, it's not the same. He doesn't make the hurt stop the way mommy did. Your mom is the person who tells you that it's okay to be different, that there's nothing wrong with liking the color pink when you're a boy. And now she's gone, and she's not coming back. Without her there to remind you, you begin to question yourself.

Things changed when you got to Middle School. Everyone was just starting to hit puberty, and hormones were kicking in. Boys tended to talk about the boobs that the girls didn't really have, though they would never have the courage to actually talk to them. They acted like girls were gross, even though all they wanted was to touch one. You find yourself not wanting to talk about girls. In fact, you find it disgusting. You want to talk about boys the way the boys were talking about girls. You didn't understand why, you just did. So until you figure it out, you keep your distance from boys in general. But along with the new hormones, came new words. Gay was one of them. Nobody could bring themselves to say it, but you know what they are all thinking. And now that there's a word for it, you're thinking it too. You are gay. When you finally work up the courage to put those words in that order, it sounds so natural, and so right that it brings tears to your eyes. You are gay, you've always been gay, and there's nothing you can do about it. In the beginning, you tried to forget about it. You weren't in denial, you just didn't want to think about it. But then some guy would walk by you with his jeans hanging in just the right way, and you were reminded. You are gay. You like boys. Your hormones are raging too, only it's boys that get you going, not girls.

When you get to high school, it seems that people have found a voice. And they are using it to tell you everything that you already know. It's in different words of course. They don't just call you gay. They say it in words like "fag" and "homo". You don't let it get to you, because it's true, and these people just don't understand. You're above their immature taunting.

When you meet Mercedes, you wonder how you got through life without a friend like this before. When Mercedes looks at you, she doesn't see 'gay' tattooed across your forehead. She looks at your sexuality like it falls in the same category as the color of your hair or eyes. Something that doesn't matter. You're still Kurt- witty, funny, smart, fashionable, Kurt. You just happened to be gay too. And to Mercedes, that doesn't matter. When you ask her about it, she seems offended, so you change the subject quickly.

You join Glee with the expectation that people will find a reason to respect you. You have a good voice. A very good voice. Sure, it's high-pitched, but that's what makes you different. That's what will get you the solos, you convince yourself.

But you're wrong. You don't get a solo. Ever. Rachel does. Time and time again. You're frustrated, but you don't say anything, except to Mercedes, who feels the exact same way. You don't understand why Mr. Shuester is constantly choosing Rachel for solos over your best friend. Mercedes has the most amazing voice that you've heard in a really long time. Better than Rachel in your opinion. But as proven, your opinion doesn't matter in high school Glee club.

You find yourself missing your mom more and more lately. You know your dad loves you with every bone in his body, but he doesn't know how to tell you. You're so different from him. He doesn't understand you the way your mom used to. You want to come out to him. You want to tell him you're gay. You're almost positive that he already knows, but there's something different in saying it out loud. It says 'I trust you'. It says 'I love you'. It says 'I want you to understand and love me too'. You feel like maybe if you tell him, then your relationship might get better. Maybe he'll understand you. It won't be the same as your mom, but it will be better.

It's harder than you think it will be. You fear he won't love you anymore. You fear he'll hate you. You fear this will only do more bad than good. Finally when you can spit the words out, its like ten thousand pounds has been lifted off your shoulders. Your dad hugs you and tells you it's going to be okay. For once, you believe him.

Your growing friendship with your dad and your teammates makes you happy. But for some reason, it doesn't make you feel any less alone. It's hard, but you smile and bear it, because it's all you _can _do. The bullying gets worse and more frequent, and though you're strong and try to not let it get to you, it does.

Your feelings for Finn are confusing, and you know that you're in love with him. There's these moments when he smiles at you, and your heart races and your drops to your stomach, but you're getting better at fighting it. You can't help how you feel, though. There's something so adorably lost and confused in his bright brown eyes and sweet half-smile. You know he's uncomfortable with your open crush on him, so you tone down the flirting, and try to be a friend. He's freaked, but you feel like he'll come around eventaully. You remind yourself that he's stick straight, in love with Rachel, and your soon-to-be probable step-brother. This doesn't help stop the feelings, but it gives you reasons why you should fight it.

When your dad starts hanging out with Finn more, taking him out of school to see baseball games, and having boys' nights without including you, you're more hurt. You feel even more alone than you already did. You start to think how things would've been different had you been the son that your dad has always wanted. If you'd been more like Finn. If you enjoyed football and other sports, and listened to John Mellencamp. If you'd rather watch the game than watch a musial. If your voice was lower, and you joined your Dad in eating hamburgers, and the "breakfast of champions". You don't want to change, but your need to be accepted by your dad overpowers that.

You arrange it so your dad catches you making out with Brittany. You hate every second of it. Her skin is too soft, and her perfume is too floral, too feminine. Her curves unsettle you, and her long hair brushing your cheeks feels wrong. You have to conjure images of your favorite male movie stars, and have to imagine that there's facial hair scratching your chin so that you don't throw Brittany across the room. She's your friend, and you don't want to hurt her feelings, but you also need to make it until your dad comes down the stairs. When he sees what's going on, he looks hurt, and you make up some ridiculous excuse about "sexual relations", not so that you can continue to make out with the blonde Cheerio and her overwhelming strawberry lipsmackers, but so you don't have to see the look on your father's face anymore. But he still calls you over. You hate lying to him, and you hate the confused expression on his face. But you do it.

When he catches you performing your personal rendition of "Rose's Turn", and says that he wishes he'd seen it sooner, your heart swells. You realize that you make him proud, and when he pulls you into a hug, you never want to move. Your Dad loves you, and he's finally found a way to communicate that to you, and nothing could make you happier.

You stop pretending after that. You never really did, but if there was any sense of insecurity before, it was gone now. If people didn't understand you, that was their problem. You realize that being different makes you special. It makes you unique. It makes you Kurt, and that's not something anyone can say but you.

When regionals come, and everyone is saying how glee club is over, you want to cry along with every one else, but you don't. It breaks your heart to see Tina so upset, and everything that she says applies to you as well. No matter what had happened- no matter how many slushies had hit your face instead of your stomach, no matter how many bruises you'd gotten from being slammed into lockers, or anxiety attacks you'd had from the claustrophobia of being stuck in a dumpster- things had changed for you this year.

You lose regionals to Vocal Adrenaline. You're just as crushed as everyone else, but you still refuse to cry. This won't be the thing that breaks you. You refuse to let it. All you can think when Sue's cold voice shouts their enemy's name into the microphone is _'this isn't over'_. You can't let the best thing that's ever happened to you just slip your fingers. You're not going down without a fight. You don't know how you're going to do it, but what you do know is that you aren't going to let this go. Not now. Not ever.

So you get to school, and a text from Rachel doesn't really surprise you. You had a feeling that she'd want to do something as a tribute to Mr. Shuester, but you didn't think it would be this last minute. When you arrive in the auditorium, everyone is already there. You take the empty stool that Mercedes obviously saves for you. Rachel comes in, frantically passing out sheet music. When you look at the title of the song, you smile. It's perfect. You don't have long to put this together, but it comes out fairly well. Sure, there's no choreography, and the vocals could have been better, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that you're all here, all together. You're all singing, and it's beautiful in a way that you can't put into words. Santana is slightly flat, but you don't mention it to her. A- because she'd probably hurt you, and B- because it doesn't matter. The emotion is real, and it's there. Even though they're singing for their harshest critic, you know that intonation is not at the forefront of anyone's minds.

You know that Glee did a good job when you see Mr. Shuester wiping his eyes when you look up to sing. You don't know if it's your voice that pushes him over the edge, but that doesn't matter either. You look him in the eyes when you sing. You wonder if he knows how much he's helped you this past year. You wonder if he knows how much Glee has changed you.

On the last day of school, Mr. Shuester announces that somehow, Glee has another year. You are so happy that you don't know what to do. Before you can comprehend what's happening, Quinn has pulled you into a tight hug. Rachel starts rambling about how we need to start rehearsing, but you can't hear it. You don't really pay attention until Mr. Shue pulls out a Ukelele and sings you all his rendition of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". It's no Judy Garland, of course, but it's really good. You see Mercedes and Quinn grasp hands, and Quinn is smiling. Not a fake smile like she has been for the past nine months. Not a dreamy smile when she'd stroke her rounded stomach and think about her baby. A real smile. Like she's really and truly happy. You haven't seen that smile in so long, and you're so glad it's back because Quinn is your friend, and despite the fact that she'd treated Finn like crap, you still want her to be happy. You take hold of their intertwined hands, and smile, looking at your friends. This time last year, you were probably trapped in a dumpster, not even bothering to scream for help because your throat was raw from your cries. You couldn't even cry, despite the awful smell, because the sobs hurt your throat. And look at you now. Now you're sitting in the choir room, listening to your favorite teacher sing to you about how there's always a better place. And you think this song couldn't be anymore perfect.

You thank Glee club for everything it's given you. Friends. Acceptance. Support. You thank the God you don't believe in that you have another year of this. Even if this had been the end of Glee, you knew that you would never look at even Puck and Santana the same way again. You hoped they wouldn't be able to look at you and say they didn't care. Glee had bonded the most unlikely of people and had formed the most unlikely of friendships. Glee had the power to do things bigger than entertain. You knew from experience.

Glee had done what had seemed like the impossible. Glee had given you hope that things would get better. Glee gave you hope that _ "the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true."_

KHKHKHKHKHKH

When you enter the choir room for the first Glee rehearsal of the year, your smile quickly fades. No one is singing in a jam session. No one was even talking. Mike wasn't dancing around the room like he usually did. You wonder what happened. What had occurred over the summer that had caused this? This isn't the Glee you know and love. This isn't the Glee you're used to.

When Mr. Shuester comes in the room, he seems even more startled than you do. If he's shocked, he doesn't say anything. He just starts lecturing them about new members, and announces the location of this year's nationals- which you are determined to make sure that the New Directions make it to. It's New York. You love New York. You probably love it more than any city you've ever been to. You start daydreaming about the shopping- how much fun you and Mercedes would have, when Mr. Shuester asks for song ideas.

Rachel immediately shouts out Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York", but Mr. Shue makes a face, and says he was thinking something more modern. Something that would really inspire kids to want to join Glee. You and Mercedes look at each other, and by the look on her face, you know that she's thinking the same thing you are. You nod, turn to face the front, and at the same time, you both squeal.

"EMPIRE STATE OF MIND!" Mr. Shuester smiles enthusiastically, and Artie looks ecstatic that their first number of the year is one where he'll get to rap. It's really a good idea, at the heart of it. But it doesn't work. You don't even get one cheer. Not a single clap of applause. You don't understand. The routine is really good. The vocals are perfect, and the choreography was even stepped up a notch from last year. Even Finn had started to get the hang of it.

If this is how the rest of the year is going to go, you fear that Glee is going to fall apart at the seams.

It doesn't. Though you only gain one new member, and lose one potential winner thanks to Rachel and her need to keep her spotlight. It's okay, though. Sam is a great singer, and you are ninety-nine point nine percent sure that he's gay. He has to be. That blond hair obviously isn't natural.

But he's not gay, you find out. But bisexual is definitely a possibility. One thing is for sure. That boy is not completely straight. He wants everyone to think he is- he's dating Quinn. You haven't talked to Quinn since the last day of school last year, and you can't say you know exactly how she would react. You're thinking she won't take it well, seeing as though she's trying to recreate her spotless reputation, and having a bi boyfriend would definitely not count as spotless.

It's easy not to care. You don't get yourself involved beyond a couple of conversations. Doing a duet with yourself is a far better idea. For you and for him, you realize with the help of Finn. He's new here, and you don't want people making assumptions about him if he doesn't want them to. Just because you are comfortable and open about your sexuality doesn't mean that he is.

When your dad has a heart attack, you're more scared than you've felt in years. It's more terrifying than anything you've ever experienced, even the death of your mom. When your mom died, you lost the one person in the world who understood you, but your father was there. Your father learned to accept you- he's still not there, but he's all you've got. You love him more than anything else in the world, and if you lose him, you really will be alone. Watching him, unmoving and unconscious, you see how your life could be. Where would you go? You didn't have any family in Lima. You weren't sure that Carole and Finn would take you in. You'd like to think that they would, but you wouldn't count on it. Maybe Mercedes? She had the kindest parents you've ever met, but you didn't want to take advantage of that kindness.

One thing was for sure- you weren't leaving Lima. If your dad didn't pull through, Glee would've been all you had. You wouldn't go somewhere else. You had nowhere else _to_ go. Besides your own home, McKinley High School's choir room is the next safest place.

Your Glee teammates are very supportive when you walk in the next day. They know you don't want extravagant displays of sympathy. They tell you how bad they feel with a hand on your shoulder, a hug, or a look in your eyes. You're nearly moved to the edge when Brittany hands you the project she'd done about heart attacks. She obviously wanted to do something to help you. On anyone else, Kurt would've assumed that they were making fun of him. But because this was Brittany, he knows its the sweetest thing anyone has done for him in a really long time.

What you don't need is people throwing their religion in your faces, though. When Finn suggests they do a tribute to Jesus this week in Glee club, not only is are you confused, but outraged. You can't believe that Mr. Shue is going along with this? Had anyone heard of the separation between Church and State? No one in this room had. The only one that seemed to care was surprisingly Sue Sylvester. You don't think much of her, but take her up on her offer.

You're offended when you come to the hospital, and some of your best friends from glee club are next to your father, directly contradicting what you had said just earlier that day. You'd told them that you didn't want their prayers, and here they were, doing it anyway. You feel hurt, betrayed, and more alone than ever.

You don't want to go to church with Mercedes, but you do it anyway because you love her and you know she's only trying to help. At church, you feel odd, and out of place. You refuse to take part in any prayers, and though no one calls you out on it, you know they're wondering why you're here.

You don't know what Mercedes wanted you to get out of this. Did she expect you to change your mind? You knew she found comfort in the existence of a God because you've had this conversation with her before. For a second, you think that maybe Mercedes knows how alone you feel. She thinks that if she can get you to believe in God, it will give you somewhere to turn to when you feel you can't lean on her. She thinks that if you believed in God, you wouldn't feel so alone.

After the service, Mercedes' parents drive you home in an awkward silence. When the reach your house, you thank them for taking you, and for dedicating the service to his father. You tell them the service was beautiful, and you compliment Mercedes on her stellar vocals as a part of the church choir. You don't say anything along the lines of being enlightened, inspired, or uplifted, because you aren't a liar. You can't lie to your best friend.

Things seem weird between you and Mercedes after that. You wonder if you'd pushed her too far this time. If this difference was too big for their friendship to handle. You don't beg for forgiveness, because you aren't the least bit sorry, but you honestly hope that things get better soon because you miss her.

The bullying is only getting worse, not better, and as much as you try to ignore it, and move on, you're starting to find that you can't. Though your dad is okay now, and is going through recovery, his heart attack had weakened you. You can't fight as hard anymore. And now that Mercedes is pulling away, you've never felt more alone.

Cue Blaine, a member of a rival glee club, who is so kind, and so accepting, and so much like you that you start to wonder where this boy had been all your life. If this situation were a sundae, the fact that Blaine was gay would be the whipped cream, and the fact that he was so breath-takingly good-looking was the cherry. You've never felt more comfortable spilling your guts to someone before. Blaine makes you feel so safe, and so comfortable, and so _you _that you don't know what to do. You're falling for him. You know you are, and you can't resist it. Blaine is like a drug- his presence is intoxicating and addictive. Once he's gone, you want more of him, and he's all you think about.

In the meantime, your dad has asked Carole to marry him, and she's accepted. Finn will be your new step-brother. You are excited, and not for the reasons that you might have been last year. Finn is like a brother to you- a big strong, protective, older brother. Though he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he's sweet, and he accepts you. You take on the role of wedding planner, and the New Directions are excited to be the entertainment.

It was Finn's idea to do the 'Marry You' number down the aisle. It was an extremely fun, cheesy, old-school dance. Everyone loved it. Even the bride and groom.

You couldn't have been happier for your dad than you are now. You miss your mom- there's no doubt about it. But you feel like she would approve of Carole and Finn. If she had to choose, Kurt knows that it would've been them.

Finn's 'Just the Way You Are' number is sweet, and well-intended. Though the lyrics don't really apply to Kurt, since Bruno Mars is talking to his girlfriend, it doesn't matter. The message is clear. Finn is done being stupid and immature. He accepts you- all of you, sexual orientation included.

The bullying continues to escalate, and Karofsky threatens your life. You're not afraid to admit that you're scared. Though your friends try to protect you, it doesn't work. You can't take it anymore. You have a conversation with your father and new step-mother, and are awestruck by their willingness to do whatever it takes- even sacrifice their honeymoon, so that you can enroll at Dalton.

Announcing your departure to the New Directions is one of the hardest things you've ever had to do in your sixteen short years. But it needed to be done. As you take a final glance at the two people you'd hurt most- Finn and Mercedes- you turn around, leaving the room, and forcing yourself not to look back.

That afternoon, someone unexpected shows up at your door. It's Rachel, and when she says that she didn't come here for Finn, you get suspicious. You let her in, anyway, because despite what you show, you have a soft spot for Rachel. She may be selfish, annoying, and never knows when to shut up, but you and she are a lot alike. You're both divas. Both outrageously talented. Both widely misunderstood. And up until a few weeks ago, you'd both been extremely alone. Finn had saved both of you.

"I know this probably isn't going to do anything, Kurt. I'm not here to change your mind- the opposite, actually. I came here to say that I'm proud of you. I don't want you to feel like you're running away when all you're doing is protecting yourself. There have been times when I've wanted to go somewhere else. Last year, I found this boarding school that specializes in the performing arts in Indiana, and I wanted to go there more than anything. My dads said that though they'd miss me, if it was really what I wanted, then they would send me, but that was before they saw the tuition. The school is extremely exclusive, and doesn't offer scholarships. We couldn't afford it, and I was crushed. So I stayed at McKinley, under-appreciated, and unrecognized. But I think that in the long run, staying was best. I met some fantastic people through Glee club, and if I'd left, I wouldn't have Finn. As hopeless as it seems, things _do _get better. So, Kurt, I want you to think about what you're giving up before you go. I know some people who are going to miss you, myself included. So just make sure that what you're doing is worth it. Make sure you're doing this for the right reasons."

She says a quick goodbye, and leaves you sitting on the couch, mind reeling. Yes, you'd miss your friends, but what Karofsky put you through wasn't worth it. And it's not like you couldn't see them anymore.

Dalton is different than McKinley. A lot different. The classes are hard- harder than you'd expected them to be. When you're not drowning in homework, you are at Warbler's practice. Your busy schedule leaves little time for anything else. Sometimes you forget to call Mercedes back, and sometimes texts from Tina go unanswered. You hope they understand, but don't blame them if they don't.

Somehow, you always make time in your schedule to fall in love with Blaine. It's not intentional, but it happens. It's the little things that push you to it. It's Blaine's little quirks and odd habits that draw you to him. Like the way he can't dress, his excessive use of hair gel, and his "mild" Katy Perry obsession. It's the way he dances during Warbler's practice- as if he can't hold his feet still for the life of him. You have it bad.

On Valentine's Day, you tell yourself not to expect anything, but you do anyway. You wait for Blaine to knock on your door and pull you into a kiss, and tell you he loves you. That doesn't happen, though. Blaine does visit. He knocks on the door, and comes inside without asking if its okay. Blaine talks to you as if its any day. You almost ask him if he knows what day it is, but you feel like that would be much too forward of an approach.

Blaine is in the middle of telling you funny story about Wes and David's latest prank when the urge hits you. You try to fight it, but you can't. It's been too long. You cross the room in three large strides, take Blaine's face between your hands, and you kiss him straight on the mouth.

You expect fireworks. You expect burning lust and unrestrained passion. You expect Blaine to kiss you back just as desperately as you are him. But when Blaine's body tenses against yours, you freeze. You stop. You drop your hands, take five steps backwards, and refuse to look at your friend. You'd made a wrong assumption. You'd thought that the boy who had saved you felt an ounce of what you felt for him. You'd crossed the most uncrossable of lines.

"I'm seeing someone, Kurt," Blaine says quietly, and it feels like you've been punched in the stomach. "I'm sorry. I should have told you. I was leading you on. This is my fault, Kurt. I'm sorry." You nod, but you can't really comprehend anything. You're so hurt that it's hard to breathe. Blaine hugs you, but you can't find it in you to embrace him after what had just transpired. You're so humiliated. So embarrassed. You are such an idiot.

Blaine leaves, and the door clicking shut has a note of finality to it. You're probably over-analyzing, but you have a feeling that things between you and Blaine are never going to be quite the same again. You won't even be able to look at him. How were you supposed to sing at Warbler's practice later?

You're all alone. Again.

After a few days, you begin to tell yourself that it's going to be okay. You're going to get past this- get over Blaine. It's hard, but you get through it the way you always have. By yourself. You're good at the life you lead- you are completely self-reliant and independent. You don't depend on anyone for anything. This is how you've gotten through almost everything in your life.

Sometimes, though, you just wish you weren't so good at being alone.


End file.
